Archives For Fear

img_7830This past Sunday one of our dogs, Kenyon, appeared to be fine. On Monday he was throwing up mucus and pieces of grass. This type of throwing up is not unusual for either of our dogs. They eat grass when they are having digestive problems, like constipation. His vomiting continued intermittently throughout the day. I went to dance practice Monday night. On Tuesday morning my husband left me a note telling me that Kenyon hadn’t eaten Monday night nor Tuesday morning. He informed me that the dog had ingested part of Continue Reading…

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Then

As most of you know, my daughter had another tumor removed last July. This was her second occurrence of leiomyosarcoma. She had a liver resection. Two institutions opined that it could not be determined if it was a new primary tumor or Stage IV as the cells of leiomyosarcoma were exactly the same. She was 6 months shy of her 5-year anniversary.

As a parent, at first I was first in warrior mode, then caregiver mode and then when the dust had settled became completely distraught. I have complex PTSD and this event was a trauma trigger on the magnitude of an 8.0 earthquake collapsing the entire house. I went into the usual grieving over whether she would live or die. I had to wrestle with Can I stand by and watch my daughter die from this? Would I rather be dead? Even after all I had been through, fighting to live, living through my first husband’s death, could I do this again? I asked myself these questions and more. Continue Reading…

IMG_1185As you may or may not be aware, I have not been ‘out’ much lately. I am trying to come to grips with the latest cancer ordeal in our family. I’ve been digging in the dirt, watching mindless television, reading and shockingly – cleaning my house.

I have been saying that I am grieving. Grieving what? Am I grieving a dream, a vision of the future, an expectation? I realized that I’m not really grieving although it can feel pretty bad. Continue Reading…

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On July 5th while my husband and I were visiting New York City we decided to go downtown to Ground Zero and see the new ‘Freedom Tower’, the ‘Memorial’ fountains and the 9/11 museum. It was a pure coincidence that we were the there the day after Independence Day and not one that the Freedom Tower was designed to be 1,776 feet tall. That day was also the day after the anniversary of the death of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, both signers of the Declaration of Independence.

My husband and I met while working at One World Trade Center and here we were almost 27 years later peering into the fountains contained within the footprints of One World Trade and Two World Trade. I stood mesmerized as the water cascaded over granite walls and fell into infinity. Etched into the perimeter of each fountain were the names of those who died in the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and 1993. The fountain memorial was very profound and moving. For me it was symbolic of the collapse of the buildings and the vacuous plunge to a state of death and then infinity. It also reminded me of the initial and long-lasting hole left in the heart after the death of a loved one. Yet even still I mused that water was symbolic of life. I also noticed that the fountains were surrounded by rows of mighty oak trees outlining the outside footprint of the missing buildings. Continue Reading…

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There is now a big kerfuffle in the world of cancer that addresses the question of changing the nomenclature of the definition of cancer. At the end of this July, the ground began to shake in the Nation of Cancer. There was an advance press release of an opinion paper entitled Overdiagnosis and Overtreatment in Cancer – An Opportunity for Improvement submitted by lead author Laura Esserman, MD, MBA of UCSF Medical Center. This would be published in JAMA (the Journal of the American Medical Association) at the end of August.

(see http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1722196 , note – full subscription required)

By the way, this is almost exactly the same article that was published in 2010.

(see http://jnci.oxfordjournals.org/content/102/9/582.full)

Now, three years later this opinion piece was repackaged and republished. This time the advance copy of the research paper was picked up by all the major media outlets in print, television and plenty of social media avenues. And quite frankly I felt like I was experiencing a 4.5 earthquake. Continue Reading…